Lazy8

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician/physicist goes to a bar. He sits in the second-to-last seat and turns to the last seat, (which is always empty) and asks a girl (who isn't there) if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, the witness of years of eccentric behaviors from the academic crowd, shrugs but keeps quiet. However, when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the best of the bartender. He asks, "I apologize if this strikes you as a stupid question, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out someone who's not even there?" The man replies, "Well the idea of a woman appearing there isn't entirely baseless. Quantum physics suggests space is never truly empty--it's afroth with the spontaneous creation and destruction of virtual particles. A wave function collapse may give off random radiation, nullify itself completely, or even coalesce into an attractive lady." The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know ... she might say yes." The guy snorts, "Yeah, right -- like THAT could ever happen!"

Heh! Lemme try one... Chuck Norris's birth went pretty much as planned. He jumped out of the womb with a swiftness that caught everyone off guard. The doctor quickly lifted him up, though, and prepared to administer the first slap...before being flattened by a roundhouse kick. Thereafter, Ma and Pa kept quiet and did as they were told.

Two...which is one more than I can use at any given time.

Who's got a Google problem? I can quit anytime! Aww...who do I think I'm kidding, anyway? Resistance is futile. Let us resign ourselves to the inevitable, and welcome our new overlords. Things will go easier on us if we don't fight it.

To a mayfly, I am as old as eternity. To a mountain, I am but an infant. To a person, I am just about right... B)

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and barely caught his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay," and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Was it something like this? A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

This guy is going through a nasty divorce. One night he's sitting at a bar getting plastered. Suddenly he raises his head, looks over his shoulder to his left and yells, "You women are all skanks!" then goes back to staring into his drink. Five minutes later he raises his head looks over his shoulder to his right and yells, "You women are all whores!" To that a women jumps out of her seat, and bellows, "I am not a whore!" Without taking his eyes off his drink, the man growls, "Then get to the other side."

After the first day of the World Brewers Conference, executives of the largest beer companies decide to have a drink together at a bar. The CEO of Anheuser-Busch naturally orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and so on down the list. Then the bartender asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, he orders tea! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask suspiciously, wondering if they've stumbled on an embarrassing secret. "Solidarity, gentlemen," replies Guinness. "If you guys aren't going to drink beer, then neither will I."

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the truck careened down the road out of control. Horn blaring, and screaming out the windows for other cars to clear the way, they barreled around the hillside, picking up speed. Half way down the programmer gives up pumping the brakes, and aims the vehicle toward a heavy gravel bed near the shoulder. They plow through the gravel, then contact the guardrail to bring the vehicle to a grinding halt, inches from an overhanging cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, and brushed the dust off their ashen faces. First to regain composure, the manager stammers, "We've got a serious problem. Let's organize a Tiger Team to fully investigate the mishap, and bring their conclusions to a steering committee, so our R&D division can get to work on a solution." The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. By that time, I can overhaul the brake cylinders and bleed the lines, and give it a steam pressurized backup. All I need are my Swiss Army Knife, that roll of duct tape, and some spare parts from your espresso machine." "Guys, guys, guys!", moaned the weary software engineer. "We're running out of daylight here. Now who's going to help me push this thing back up the hill and duplicate the problem?"

112.83 No-Doz = 2252.25 glasses of chocolate milk Don't take my word for it, though.

<sigh> In a perfect world... Well, back to work, ya monkeys--Big Brother's watchin', ya know.

I can't believe I fell for that one again! I'm gonna try it one more time, in case it was just a fluke...

Good one! Think I'll celebrate with a shot of Tabasco...

How about these, then? The Rules for pilots: Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. It's always better to be down here, wishing you were up there, than up there, wishing you were down here. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. Tests prove that collision with the sky is not harmful. In a 'good' landing you can walk away. In a great landing, you can say the same of the plane. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountain goats have been known to hide out in clouds. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to debate. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, the runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

Thanks, Nick. I came here by way of Nuhi's excellent site, and trying out nLite as a curiosity. Much later, with the CD laying around untested, I needed a reinstallation for disaster recovery, and I plugged in WinLite (having nothing to lose at that point). It saved me so much setup time, I couldn't resist coming here for more timesaving tips for the next installation.

B) Well, here I am! Pismo Beach, and all the clams I can eat. Oh well, as long as I'm here, I guess I'll lurk about--might even get to learn an unattended install if I hang out long enough. I'm glad to be here, and will try not to rock the boat while I'm around.