Lazy8

There were two old men who had loved baseball all of their life. They had grown up in the same town where they played together thru grade school, high school and then college. After college they didn't have the skill for professional ball so they learned to be umpires in order to stay involved. They started in the minors and being very good umpires soon moved on to the majors where they umped for many years. After they retired, they continued to umpire for youth ball like little league. However, as they grew older and older, they started to worry about what it would be like after they died. Would there be baseball after death? Finally, they made a pact. The first one to die would, if at all possible, find some way of contacting his surviving partner with the news. One day Joe died and went to Heaven. After much argument he convinced St. Peter to let him return in a dream to his friend Fred and this conversation ensued: Joe: "Fred, I made it to heaven and I have both good news and bad news." Fred: "Well, what is the good news." Joe: "We don't have to worry about baseball any more. There is all kinds up here. We can umpire from sand lot ball to the major leagues. They'll finally let us play on a team--any position! In fact I have 3rd base tomorrow night." Fred: "THAT'S GREAT!! What could possibly be bad news after that?" Joe: "You're pitching this Saturday."

The young bride approached her waiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, with him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, she heard of the ravages of financial ruin, caused by corporate downsizing and it's effects on a 50-year-old executive. Nonplused, she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local hospital. Pointing to the fine structure, she informed him that he owned the land it was built on and that they paid him $16,000 per month rent. She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured toward the local bank, while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars, and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now, he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why he was so upset in light of such good news. He tearfully responded, "If only I had known what you were doing all these years, I would have given you all of my business!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50 Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50 Hand Job $10.00 Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill. He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!" The man replies "Well go wash your hands, and get me a cheese sandwich!"

I simply use RunOnceEx, set to install from CD. All my apps are on a separate DVD. My RunOnceEx.cmd has a semicolon heading each line, and the command is deployed in the $OEM$\$1 folder. After XP installs, I simply plug in my application disk. My CMD resides in the C: drive, waiting for me to select my desired programs (by removing the applicable semicolons). Then I execute the command and reboot. It's the closest thing to a GUI with checkboxes that I can think of.

I'm assuming you need to install it upon first reboot. Depending on your method of install, you could run it from svcpack.inf, or drop your CMD into cmdlines.txt. If you need it installed any earlier, you'll probably need to execute it from [DetachedProgram] in WINNT.SIF.

The rest of the list is useful for detailed customization, but redundant if this tweak is used to turn off all sound effects.

Your VPC uses the host machine's system drivers, so I doubt it would spot the ntfs.sys error. Most of the time, though, these malfunctions are caused in the creation of your ISO image, by CD burning software, or poor quality media. The hardware itself may be faulty--have you tried burning it on another drive? I experienced my most pernicious failures when using Nero to select boot options. CDIMAGE seems to be highly reliable. Then it wouldn't matter which program you use to burn your disk. A single CD/RW got me through all my practice and test installs. It was the best dollar I ever spent on my PC.

NLite should be your easiest and safest option. Even if you prefer setting everything else manually, nLite will give you a great deal of flexibility in customizing your language options...and keyboard layouts.

One down, one to go... If your predesignated users match those already in the Documents and Settings folder, Windows will automatically add an extension to the new ones. None of the data will be erased or overwritten, though the usernames will differ from your actual intent.

Pros: Immunity booster (increased life) Cons: Pee-Pee breath (decreased love life) I guess it all evens out.

I'm not sure which is more tasteless...the humor, or the advice.

...or save yourself a step, right-click this, and 'Save Target as'.

Hardly ever does a joke appear that is new to everyone. Some humor, though, has been around the block so many times as to have worn ruts in our collective psyche. When you recognize a joke before its first line is uttered and it has become worn-out cliche, perhaps the only way to freshen it up is to break it entirely. Lead the listener right up to the expected punch line, then hit 'em with a straight line instead--this only works when the audience knows the original joke. See if any of these examples work: This guy walks into a bar with a chicken and an alligator. The guy says to the bartender "I'll have a Scotch and soda." The alligator says "I'll have a Martini." "That's amazing," says the bartender, "that alligator can talk!" "Actually," says the guy, "I'm a ventriloquist." ----------------------------------------------------------- A man and a dog walk into a bar. The man says to the bartender: "Will you give me a free drink if I prove to you that my dog can talk?" "That's ridiculous," says the bartender. "I'll give you two free drinks if your mutt can talk." "OK Fido," says the man, "What's on top of the house?" The dog replies instantly, "Roof!" "Great," says the man, "Now, who's the greatest baseball player?" "Ruth!" says the dog. "Now what's the texture of sandpaper?" The dog says, "Ruff!" The bartender loses patience, and throws the two out on the street. As the man dusts himself off, the dog looks up at him and says, "Arf!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ------------------------------------------------------------ A policeman finds this guy on his hands and knees under a streetlight, fumbling around on the ground. "What's the matter?" says the policeman. "I tripped and dropped my car keys as I was crossing the other side of the street," says the guy. "Why are you searching over here, then?" asks the policeman. The man says, "They were flung in this direction." ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? A: Use a high-powered rifle.

Ha-Ha! Good one. Lemme keep the topic going strong with a followup: A entire motorcade of politicians were driving down a country road when a flash flood swept them into the ditch on a farm. The old farmer, after witnessing the incident, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, surveyed the wreckage, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they wasn't, but you know how them politicians lie."

That reminds me of another one: A guy in a penthouse bar witnesses a severely enebriated man downing a double shot of tequila. The man slams the empty glass on the counter and immediately pitches himself over the balcony railing. The guy watching him--too surprised to shout out--was completely stunned when the jumper emerges from the elevator only minutes later, completely unscathed. He approaches the other (who is busy ordering another round), and manages to stammer, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump ten stories to the GROUND!". The jumper slurrs, "Well, I can't make total sense of it. It all started as a bet between me and my buddies, after discussing how drunks always seem able to walk from crashes that really mess up the sober drivers. My friend said you get so relaxed when you're good-n-drunk, that nothing could hurt you, and he set out to prove it. That was the best darned bet I ever lost--now I do this for fun. Watch this." The man takes a shot, slams it down, and leaps out the window with whoop. The first guy runs to the window and shakes his head in amazement as he sees the other arising from the sidewalk to brush the dust off. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The guy figures he has to try it too, so he nurses his buzz with a double shot of courage, smacks the empty glass on the bar takes a dive over the balcony. He hits the pavement hard, with a particularly ugly SPLAT! As our original jumper is ordering another round, the bartender says, "You're a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman." Bonus Bar Joke: This guy walks into a small town bar in Texas and orders a white wine. The bartender looks around and whispers, "You ain't from around here are you, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." "Take my advice," The bartender says, "and try a beer instead. The good folk of our town don't take too kindly to freaks from out of town pretending to be better than us. What do you do up there in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxi-WHAT? What the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount dead animals." That raises an eyebrow of the bartender. A couple of good ol' boys approach, asking the barkeep, "Is this fella giving you trouble, Billy?" The bartender replies, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."

You saw right through me, uds. It's my three-part plan to attain instant celebrity status: 1. Tack an extra joke to another's funny post. 2. Then, a miracle happens! 3. Enjoy worldwide fame. Bask in the adoration of millions of fans. I just have one or two bugs to work out of Step 2--sounds almost too simple to believe, eh?

Thanks for the clarification, undeadsoldier. I always felt that that chain emails were an offense against humanity, and simply despise those who thoughtlessly propagate it. I feel much better about cutting and pasting this little gem, and sending it to all my contacts.

I couldn't get the video to play, but I'm sure it's also available at http://www.whatthebleep.com. The full-length movie showcases all sorts of 'spooky action at a distance' through acting and animated sequences--definitely worth watching.

It's right here in WINNT.SIF [Unattended] UnattendSwitch = Yes

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They collect satellite photos and wiretap the ranger's phone line. They rendition a fox and badger to a neighboring forest for the tough questions. After three months of investigations, leaks to the press and excessive public scrutiny force them to conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. Along the way, they find a suspicious looking warren of mongoose (mongeese?), which they burn to the ground--no apologies...the rabbits had it coming. They soon designate a local hare as a "mammal of interest", who is periodically harassed by agents and lambasted in the press. The prez eventually intervenes, saying they had the wrong suspect all along. The LAPD goes in. Two hours later they emerge with a badly mauled bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

Variant of the same joke goes something like this: A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?' "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that I'll have to accuse you of rape," snaps the irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff. "Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment..."

A man is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Wha'cha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Whoa!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying "I need 45 gallons of milk. " He knocked on the door and a beautiful dumb blond answered it. "Is this a mistake?" the milkman asked. "No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac." "Really," replied the milkman. "Do you want it pasteurized?" "No," she said, "up to my tits will be fine."

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too," said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well," said the centipede. "So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach. "Ummm..." said the centipede, "Just taping my ankles."

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver. The little kid starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continued with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' The kid went on with several animals until the bus driver got angry and yelled at the kid, ''What if your dad was a pimp and your mom a prostitute?!'' The kid smiled and said, ''I could still be a bus driver!''

Three students go to the clinic for a check up. the first student goes in and the doctor asks her to undress and get up on to the couch. "My" he says "What is that big 'O'on your chest?" "Well" says the first girl" I've got a boyfriend at Oxford University and every time we make love he insists on wearing his Oxford University sweatshirt and the big O just rubs off." "How strange." replies the doctor. The second girl comes in takes off her clothes and gets up on to the couch. "My" says the doctor. "What is that big 'C' on your chest?" "Well" says the 2nd girl "I have a boyfriend at Cambridge University, and every time we make love he insists on wearing his Cambridge Unversity sweatshirt, and the big 'C' just rubs off." she says. "How strange" replies the doctor. The third girl comes in takes off her clothes and gets on to the couch with a big 'M' on her chest. "Don't tell me "says the doctor. "Boyfriend at Manchester?" "No" replies the girl. "Girlfriend at Warwick!" ----------------------------------------------------------- A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window: "I want to open a g*d **** checking account," The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, **** it. I said I want to open a g*d **** checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no **** problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the **** lottery and I want to open a g*d **** checking account in this **** bank." "I see," says the manager, "and is this b***h jumping your case?" ----------------------------------------------------------- Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years. As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple heart on!" To which the mother replied, "Don't describe it to me, boy! Just let him in, and go play outside for a couple hours. ----------------------------------------------------------- A woman runs into the pro shop of a golf club and yells, "I just got stung by a bee out on your course." The pro, solicitous, asks, "Where?" She cries, "Between the first and second hole." The pro says, "I can tell you right now that your stance is too open."