@Dietmar@Mov AX, 0xDEAD
Yes!!
Using grub2 I did a DSDT and SSDT ACPI table modification and I can now confirm with 100% certainty that this ACPI0010 "ACPI Processor Container" Device is the cause of the issue!
https://imgbb.com/ZLJWbfH
I know you're not motivated at all @Mov AX, 0xDEAD but a permanent fix implemented through acpi.sys would still be very much appreciated.