Airline Humor

[RJM]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to

make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements

a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples

that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating,

you just sit where you want) passengers were

apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight

attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking

out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight

attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen,

we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning

down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to

enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to

take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave

anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to

have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but

there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We

hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we

enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at

Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:

"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during

thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a

Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when

opening the overhead compartments because, after a

landing like that, we're SURE everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard

Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat

belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull

tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,

if you don't know how to operate one, you probably

shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,

masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,

grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have

a small child traveling with you, secure your mask

before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling

with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with

some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed

before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody

loves you, or your money, more than Southwest

Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation;

and, in the event of an emergency water landing,

please paddle to shore and take them with our

compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of

your belongings. Anything left behind will be

distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please

do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message:

"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best

flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none

of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard

landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on

the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I

know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it

wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's

fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was

the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into

Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy

day: During the final approach, the Captain was really

having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,

the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,

welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with

your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis

what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than

perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated

as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular

flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really

hard. The airline had a policy which required the

first officer to stand at the door while the

Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for

flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad

landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in

the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart

comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a

little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir,

do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,

Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old

lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the

attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please

remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew

have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against

the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the

warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and

you can pick your way through the wreckage to the

terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us

today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to

go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal

tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and

gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section

on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light

'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After

it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to

Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore,

we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit

back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and

after a few minutes, the captain came back on the

intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so

sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to

you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup

of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of

my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's

nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[nitroshift]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After

it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to

Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore,

we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit

back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and

after a few minutes, the captain came back on the

intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so

sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to

you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup

of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of

my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's

nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

which reminds me of how romanian policemen are getting their underwear on: yellow goes to front, brown goes to back.

[raza]

I didn't get the last one.Wat was funny abt it?

I didn't get the last one.Wat was funny abt it?

[mark]

One had an accident in the front that scared the other enough that he had an accident in the back.

Edited June 13, 2006 by DL

[Railman5]

RALMAO

[T D]

OMG! In the last joke, the passenger soiled! This should be banned!

[prx984]

lmao such good humor.