XPerceniol

Guys ... Why do I have to have Enable write caching on the disk or else its takes a zillion years to shut down the computer? Thank you in advance. My hard drive is in bad shape anyway so maybe just degrading finally. No matter what I do nothing will remap that bad sector and the rest is age related and I'm not complaining that it is still working. Heck, I'm surprised I'm still working with what I've put my body and mind through. I know I've asked about this but I can't find my old postings related to it. Even test and repair and the full chkdsk wont do it.

Its become apparent I don't know how to mourn the loss, be it a person or a past time when I was different - 'people say this' and 'people say that' and it doesn't resonate whilst I'm full aware that that time is gone and its today, but I'm secretly struggling. I'm having a hard time dealing with recent suicides in youth. I'm also so sick of pills; pills; pills as the only answer. See, I make no sense. Sorry I'll try later. Just ate dinner and people here are singing so that is a good sign but some people don't know they are in full denial and the problem is I am far too self aware and far too much. Sorry guys, I realize I'm rambling away, please just know I'm nuts. EDIT: The I wonder is being in denial a good thing? Hmmmm! If people don't see something that is wrong, should they or better to not know, trouble is I took the red pill a long time ago and I can't turn back and pretend and close my eyes as they are wide open. I just have to keep some things to myself but I'm a conflicted soul and wondering drifter.

RIGHTO ... I got that and thank you, @mina7601. I'm am following vistapocalypse but I don't know them all that well other than are infrequent correspondence here-and-there on threads. Hmmm ... overall things seem to be pretty good here as far as I can see. Good and all is well here and I went for a walk today around the complex and said hello to a few people first (usually I don't speak unless spoken to first)

"You WILL overcome your obstacles by relying on your courage and strength and determination. When you feel like hope is gone, look inside yourself -- find your strength and willpower -- its there, I promise." ~ XPerceniol

OMG ... that is so cute to hear --thank you reminding me of this.

Thank you and this forum is very good IMO and well maintained and you should see the old anxiety forum me and DigiDave were both on ... a toxic and not secure mess of toilet paper and urine stench and dung. I have a low opinion of mental health forums now and no long participate.

I agree 100%

Thank you and you don't have to be sorry, most (if not all) of my thoughts are scattered and chaotic. I love you guys just as you are, but I only wish you guys weren't hurting and I'd gladly take away your pain if I could wave a magic wand, but magic is trickery and I don't trick people I'm genuine I promise you that. You all know EVERYTHING about you; almost.

You're opening up about something that is hurting you so no worries about being on topic. Ok and Okay. We are already mindful or we wouldn't be seeking solutions - Be grateful (for what you have) - be true (if you need to pretend to be something your not, this is a recipe for despair) - (Always) be kind. Sorry again, guys but I'm also struggling to be positive.

I will keep you guys in my thoughts and try to be positive for you. Oh @UCyborg ... thank you for saying "Chin UP" And thank you @msfntor I KNOW (without question) you only want the be for me and I appreciate each and every word you'd told me. Just be yourself and if people turn on you it might be for the best is all I can say right now.

..................:(

Mariah Carey - Hero (Live at Global Citizen) youtube.com/watch?v=UGI_gJBV_Gk There's a hero If you look inside your heart You don't have to be afraid Of what you are There's an answer If you reach into your soul And the sorrow that you know Will melt away And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you It's a long road When you face the world alone No one reaches out a hand For you to hold You can find love If you search within yourself And that emptiness you felt Will disappear And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you, oh, oh Lord knows Dreams are hard to follow But don't let anyone Tear them away, hey yeah Hold on There will be tomorrow In time you'll find the way And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you That a hero lies in you Mmm, that a hero lies in you

I'm sorry to hear that and as I just stated to Mina, I know how it feels and there are people I miss and I don't know why people abandon me either. Sorry I realize I'm not positive and its reflecting on the love and light the people need from me and I just don't have it it me and I'M SO SORRY about that.

Yeah, sorry I don't have anything helpful without being hypocritical and you deserve better than 'cookie cutter' advice. I feel your pain, but, maybe cherish the people that you still talk to here. I don't know why people leave me, but they do always because I disappoint people mostly because I don't live up to their expectations. While I fell that is (largely) on then, I also reveal too much about myself and people run like hell from me.

Perhaps she could try green tea, can't hurt, but a dear friend told me tea should be sipped.

I'm truly sorry and I wish her a speedy recovery.

Thank you, guys.

I suddenly feel very happy tonight. Its about 8:30 and have to fine something to watch on the TV while others are away. Good to be over there now with you @mina7601 and @legacyfan and @K4sum1 and maybe others I'm unaware of here. Will let you know what I find ... looking for something about loving and acceptance and trying to be a good person. Music today is hard for me to get into and I don't usually listen to pop unless something grabs me - I'd rather listen to smooth jazz, but I do like some of today's singers. Ya know, just for the record, I don't believe in pushing any agenda down others thoughts, I'm just trying to be me and live and not be under personal attack, to be honest, most people here accept me with the acceptation of only 1 or 2 guys here (where I reside, not the forum) and I'm just me whatever the heck that is without needing labels and I do like women as friends and maybe one day I'll learn to become more social but you can't force it - it has to come naturally. I compliment women and men but not in the same way (of course) and I know all mean well as do I for ALL of you. Live and let live and don't judge and I (myself) am and 'work in progress'. Learning at 50 still.

Thank you but I don't want to burden you, I want only the best for you and you to enjoy life. I know easier said than done. Could you give me the link to eclipse and I'll post tonight I've lost it. If I can even remember the password hehe. It does not come up on google for me or bing. EDIT: I go it now.

Thank you so much for that, that really lifted me spirit.

Thank you and your words meant more than you know, will ever know. BTW ... I noticed you are no longer a member of XP Forum and I am also thinking about doing the same.

Since I no longer feel safe posting I'll just stay in this thread only for the foreseeable future. That being said, I feel saddened and hurt and hopefully I can (as Sam said) sit with the pain and it will make me stronger and stronger and stronger. Weakness is a recipe for disaster and suicide because we can accept whom we are and love yourself.

"Be accepting (of others and yourself) -- release the burden -- the huge weight off your shoulders. Be you and be apologetically so, so never be sorry for being authentic. This is the greatest give you can give yourself and you deserve to be happy and content with whom you are. You are fine just the way your are. -XPerceniol

Lyrics Videos Listen Have you ever felt like being somebody else? Feeling like the mirror isn't good for your health? Every day, I'm tryin' not to hate myself But lately, it's not hurtin' like it did before Maybe I am learning how to love me more It used to burn Every insult, every word But it helped me learn (yeah) Self-worth I had to earn So I tried every night To sit with sorrow And eventually, it set me free Have you ever felt like being somebody else? Feeling like the mirror isn't good for your health? Every day I'm tryin' not to hate myself But lately, it's not hurtin' like it did before Maybe I am learning how to love me more Just a little bit (love me more) Just a little bit (love me more) Oh, no (love me more) Just a little bit (love me more) I used to cry myself to sleep at night I'd blame the sky when the mess was in my mind I couldn't see, I couldn't breathe So I sat with sorrow And eventually, it set me free Have you ever felt like being somebody else? Feeling like the mirror isn't good for your health? (If you have, let me hear you right now) Every day I'm tryin' not to hate myself (yeah, yeah, yeah) But lately, it's not hurtin' like it did before (sweet child) Maybe I am learning how to love me more Just a little bit (love me more) Just a little bit (love me more) Oh, I'm gonna try to (love me more) With a little bit of love (love me more) Love me more Love me more (just a little bit) Love me more (love me more) Love me more Oh, gonna love me more (gonna love me more) Oh, gonna love me more (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, gonna love me more (gonna love me more) (Oh) oh, gonna love me more