misskellibad1

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto". He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge knockers out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and bang her all night." Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear. He's gotta take a crap first."

@ Pia! I am "twisted" (just barely evil) on the evil meter, but y'all knew that already!

thanks guys. Hi back at ya Pia, funny....... @ Jay, sorry I missed that...... not!

A eighteen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach Villa and a $1,000, 000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..... At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll do her again!"

Defense Attorney: What is your age? Little old Woman: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" ...and that's when I shot the little bastard!

sexy

Even sweeter! Best wishes to you both, and bring back lots of pics!

Very sweet! Nice to know romance is still alive in some parts of the world! Congratulations to you both-so when's the big day?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR HOROSCOPE: No one can hear your silent screams this week. This may have something to do with you getting yourself locked in the special sound-proofed listening cabinet at "Sam the record man"........

@ pia and zip!! and........ he's sat on the fence so long iron has entered his soul.

I didn't attend the funeral however, I sent a letter saying I approved.

Well occasionally us women have to do just that....... to keep the animals in line you know. Welcome to the mad house.

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."

Happy to hear you're doing better! You keep telling me that you're "older than dirt", so stay away from them nurses!

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 60 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that all that away. But... I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."

Several women I know have asked for me an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up: You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." ~ That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." ~ That's Advertising. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." ~ That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." ~ That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." ~ That's Brand Recognition. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. ~ That's a Sales Rep. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. ~ That's Tech Support. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" ~ That's Spam.

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious lectures about how hard things were when they were growing up. What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But.... Now that I've reached the ripe old age of 33, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so frickin easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goldamned Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet - we wanted to know something, we had to go to the goldamned library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the frickin mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the goldamned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and screw it all up! You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download pron! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was either that or jackoff to the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalog! Those were your options! We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was.It could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer,you didn't know! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed! And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... D'ya hear what the hell I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy! You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984! .

I'm sure a little thing like a heart attack won't keep you down for long! Get better real soon!!!!!!!! Kelli

Yes, hi-don't forget about me (the unintimidated one) @ Tinker I suppose when one gets to be your age they falsely believe that they are all-knowing. Add a couple more decades to your age, and I might fall for the crap you are spouting. lol! Having said that I wonder how many men when polled "what drew you to your respective mate", would answer "she's easily intimidated, I really look for that in a woman" Seriously though, I would like to take a moment to say thanks, I think I speak for all women when I say we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

You know you're a computer geek if you use any of these to pick up a pretty girl. "If I said you had a nice <BODY> would you hold it against me?" "The first time I saw you it wasn't just a window that popped up." "Do you want to go back to your place or my Mom's?" "I've got a protocol that's looking for a socket." "Y'know, my refresh rate is phenomenal." "I'm tired of doing all my coding 'by hand', if you know what I mean." "I can't decide which are better developed: your front-end or back-end applications." "Wanna go to the Opera? We can take my Explorer or my Navigator." "I put the 'X' in XML, baaaby."

make sure to test flush for an articulate blog by Sed's favourite girl Ellen Feiss! http://www.electric-chicken.co.uk/

It makes me wonder Rev just what were you really searching for to come across that????????????

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.'' The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?'' ''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

Sorry Drew, that was from an earlier posting. Sometimes I think everyone else is like me, I don't forget anything.

Very cool Aaron!! You should change your icons to gold-that would look especially cool!