tazors

[dirtwarrior]

Dear Friends,

My wife Susan is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be

something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I

have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story

chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled

my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I

bought something really cool for Susan. The occasion was our 33rd

anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet

girl. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer

gun with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a

less than lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate

an assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage electricity

while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived,

with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you

adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your

250 pound Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a

slobbering, goggle eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil neck geek.

If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly

missing out - way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two

triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I

was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no

stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular

model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I

do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,

and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of

electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so

looking forward to. I did so.

Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have

yet to explain to Susan what that burn spot is on the face of her

microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple A batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my dog Sassy looking on intently (trusting

little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Sassy) and

thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and

blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Sassy for a

fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet

dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Susan to

protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it

would work as advertised.

Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the

time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, Tazer in the other. The directions said that a one second burst

would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was

supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three

second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground

like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"

long, less than 3/4 inch in diameter, pretty cute really, and loaded

with two itsy, bitsy triple A batteries) thinking to myself, "no

friggin' way!"

Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what

followed. I'm sitting there alone, Sassy looking on with her head

cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that

a one second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all

that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't

you agree?). I decided to give myself one second burst just for the

hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight - always twenty-twenty.

It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even

though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY

**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura

ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner,

then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely

recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire,

testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked

under my body in the oddest position.

Sassy was standing over me making whinning sounds I had never heard

before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it

again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug

yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing

as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let

go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by your violent

thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't

dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours

truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as

time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what

little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading

glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get

there??? My triceps, right thigh and both brests were still

twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacain, as

my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds, give or take an ounce or two, I'm

pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away.

I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and

handsome if I must say so myself. Miss'em . . . sure would like to

get'em back.

NOT true, but funny ain't it..........

[nitroshift]

NOT true, but funny ain't it..........

Funny indeed!

[mark]

Very funny. And you know that people have done it, otherwise, we wouldn't have a Darwin's List.

DL