Jack Bauer Real Facts

[SiMoNsAyS]

Found on the imdb and decided to share, so credit goes to them

If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack *beep* Bauer.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.

Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're *beep*

Jack Bauer's biological make-up is so advanced that he internally recycles his own human waste into nourishment. That's why Jack never eats or goes to the bathroom.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

When you open a can of whoop-a**, Jack Bauer jumps out.

While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer isn't hiding from the world, the world is hiding from Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.

Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer *beep* hates lemons.

Jack Bauer once beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without touching the controller. He just stared at the TV until the game beat itself.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are lame.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef, then it's effin' beef.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Jack Bauer’s calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better effin' do it.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."

Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

Jack Bauer rents videos and never rewinds them, ever.

Strippers tip Jack Bauer.

If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.

If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.

ESPN rated Kobe Bryant for Vlade Divac as the second worst trade in history, after Jack Bauer for Behrooz Araz.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Jack Bauer does not pull out. The girl must know when to push away or else its her problem.

When Jack Bauer eats Taco Bell, he feels fine and the entire country of Mexico has violent diarrhea.

The term "jackin' off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

If Jack Bauer was on "Lost", he would have gotten off of the island in a day.

IMDb moderators allow more flexibility on the 24 boards for the fear of Jack Bauer.

If you want to make Jack Bauer mad, just use terms like 'protocol', 'orders', or 'civil liberties'.

The State of the Union Address was originally scheduled for Monday night. Jack Bauer made the President change it to Tuesday.

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.

When Jack Bauer runs with scissors, someone WILL get hurt, and it won't be Jack Bauer.

Scientology was based off a Mad Lib that Jack Bauer filled out when he was drunk.

During a 4th grade spelling test, Jack Bauer simply wrote his name for every answer. Naturally, he got an A+.

If Jack Bauer was on prison break, he would of already broken out, then break back in, than break back out in 24 hours.

No one would compete against Jack on fear Factor.

If an ordinary authority figure asked you to jump, then you ask, "How high?"

When Jack Bauer asks you to jump, don't ask stupid questions. Just jump!

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's *beep* beef.

Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.

Jack Bauer does not need eyes, he can smell a terrorist 15 miles away, and can hear the fear in their heads from 2 miles away.

A minister, a priest, and a rabi walked into a bar. The minister was a terrorist and was immediately shot by Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer doesn't work for CTU. CTU works for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once met Jason, Micheal Myers, and Freddy Kruger in a dark ally. They killed themselves before Jack did it for them.

Some people chew gum, some chew tobacco. Jack Bauer chews broken glass.

Phone Booth was really about Jack Bauer's day off.

Jack Bauer never participated in high school sports. He doesn’t like any game that’s not to the death.

Jack Bauer's shadow has 8 kills.

One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer took a flute and jammed it into a counselor's neck.

Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.

Jack Bauer has not been played by Keifer Sutherland. Keifer Sutherland has been played by Jack Bauer.

Soap needs Jack Bauer to kill germs.

All your base are owned by Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer's teachers would automatically reward him with A++ on all his work, simply because he is Jack Bauer.

If torturing was an olympic event, they would have to make a new type of medal for Jack Bauer.

Red lights turn green for Jack Bauer.

Funeral processions pull over for Jack Bauer.

What's the difference between Jack Bauer and a tank? Tanks are controled by someone and eventually need fuel.

Jack Bauer makes Abu Ghraib look like a nice vacation spot.

Jack Bauer could have won the Vietnam war in 24 hours and had plenty of time left over for commercials.

Any other man would loose the ability to fight when naked. Jack Bauer abolished three people naked, couse he is huge. Im not saying Jack is hung like a Horse, I'm saying Horse are hung like Jack Bauer.

Any one we have witnessed dating Kim Bauer has lost a body part. This is not cuinsidence. Jack Bauer is giving the rest of us warning to stay away.

Jack is nimble, Jack is quick, but Jack didn't jump over the candlestick...he tortured it until it told him who put it in his *beep* way in the first place. Then he hunted that person down and shot them.

The Bush administration is re-naming "the war on terror" to "a fun game for Jack Bauer".

A Jack in the box is given to kids with discipline problems. Their parents tell them that if they misbehave, Jack Bauer will pop out and torture them.

Jack Bauer killed all the children in his neighborhood growing up because some id*** suggested they play hide and seek and picked Jack to seek first.

Jack Bauer drives without car insurance. If anyone hits his car he'll kill them and make their insurance company pay for it.

If you are about to die you don't get visited by the Grim Reaper. You get visited by Jack Bauer.

Hey you, reading this list...Jack Bauer is behind you!

When Jack Bauer was born, his first words were "What time is it?"

Batman and Robin is scared of Jack and Tony.

If you play tag with Jack Bauer...HE will get you.

If your on a mission with Jack bauer...you won't last long.

If Jack Bauer's gun ever jams during a gun battle, he'll simply take the bullets and manually insert them into the terrorist. It would, of course, be a bullseye.

Jack Bauer eats terrorists for breakfast. Literally. Bones and all.

After Jack Bauer goes for a s**t he doesn't use toilet paper, he uses "dead terrorist face".

Jack Bauer's reflexes are so fast that when he goes to bed he turns the light switch off and can make it in bed comfortably before the room gets dark.

Jack Bauer's s**t is considered as currency in third world countries.

Jack Bauer once told a joke to a man and he did not laugh. That man's rib cage now hangs from Jack Bauer's ceiling. Jack's pet parrot "Tiki" lives in it.

Jack Bauer once won a staring contest with his own reflection.

Jack Bauer likes to perform his "secret talent" at parties. This "talent" consists of Jack Bauer crushing unopened Pepsi cans with his bum cheeks.

They once made "Jack Bauer" toilet paper... it had to be discontinued because it didn't take S**t from anyone

Jack Bauer can make a woman climax simply by pointing at her and saying, "Booya!"

Jack Bauer doesn't tea bag the ladies... he potato sacks them

Jack Bauer pushed Humpty Dumpty off the wall.

Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 in a rickshaw pulled by Chuck Norris.

If Jack Bauer was Canadian, he would do the same job, with the same results, but without a gun.

During a game of poker, a Mexican told Jack Bauer, "You're bluffing." Jack gauged out the Mexican's eyes with a poker chip and shoved a Joker card up the guy's urethra. And then revealed a royal flush.

A lesbian feminist once asked Jack Bauer if he was pro-life or pro-choice. He responded by saying "I'm aganist abortion but for killing babies." Then he took her from behind doggy style. Afterwards the woman shaved her legs and bought some perfume.

24 Producers wanted to include a Jack Bauer sex scene, but couldn't. The reason? Jack Bauer getting sexual satisfaction takes far longer than a 24 hour season.

Jack Bauer cancelled "Walker, Texas Ranger".

Jack Bauer does not need a space suit, he just holds his breath.

Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because His cat's a pussy.

Jack Bauer once won a game of chess against Bobby Fischer... In one move. After the game, he congratulated Bobby for his efforts by allowing him to smell his fingers

Jack Bauer only pleasures himself to pictures of Jack Bauer

When Jack Bauer makes love to a man, it's not because he's gay, it's because he's run out of women

when playing Scabble, if you spell, "Jack Bauer" you win... forever

Jack Bauer once tortured Chuck Norris until Chuck gave up the secret to his awesome beard

Jack Bauer didn't pull the wings off flies when he was a child. He pulled the arms off the boys who pulled the wings off flies.

If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you can see Jack Bauer you're probebly watching FOX.

Jack Bauer once shot a man for having too many items in the express lane.

When a nuclear bomb goes off, the only thing that survives are 4 cockroaches...and Jack Bauer.

more... http://www.notrly.com/jackbauer/

[EchoNoise]

Chuck Norris vs. Jack Bauer !

[CptMurphy]

Ur serious? IMDB? The movie database?

[Gouki]

It was not done by IMDB. That is a community of fans job.

Funny, but I dont like making fun of GOD!

[Gouki]

Just thought I'd share my Screencap ...

Here [1 MB]

This is on the final episodes of the Third Season. When CTU, and other law enforcment agencies, finnaly cath Amador!

On the floor is Amador, and GOD is standing next to him.

Ok ... I know I gotta stop. I cant start talking about 24, or ill never shut up.

Edited February 15, 2006 by Gouki