Just some new ones!

[hbinded]

A Farmer and his sheep

A farmer buys several sheeps, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheeps are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn`t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the sheeps are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheeps. So he loads the sheeps into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all. Then he brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheeps. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn`t take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, does each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheeps still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself,and proceeds to load them up and drives them out to the woods. He spends all day with the sheeps and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheeps. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheeps are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they`re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

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Moral Lesson

There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said "I've had enough of this flying south every winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the big deal, anyway?"

So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I'll get him for this!" The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird.

The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.

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A Hooker with AIDS

A young boy goes to a whorehouse with a crushed tortoise in his hand and says "I want a hooker with aids!"

"Sir, you can't be serious. We do our outmost to AVOID having hookers like that here. They go through regular medical check-ups. Really!"

But the boy insists, and in the end they find him a hooker with aids. When he's done, and about to leave, the clerk has to ask...

"Why in the world are you so happy now? You have aids!"

"Well", he replies "When I come home, I'm gonna f*** the maid. So she'll have aids, right?"

"Right"

"Then she'll f*** my dad, and he'll have aids, right?"

"Right..."

"Then he'll f*** my mom, and she'll have aids, right?"

"Right..."

"Then she'll f*** the gardener and then he will have aids! Haha!"

"And why do you want your gardener to have aids...?"

"Because that son of a b***h stepped on my tortoise!"

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[Railman5]

LMAO

'specially the sheeps one.