jerseygirl

wait....a man can spend $20 on: A- Beer/Alcohol B-Cigarettes C-porn But let a girl spend money on what she likes, and you want to kick her a**.......hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need... = I want.. 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = I need to complain 7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to 8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron! 10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead 11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me 12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs 13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot 14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive 15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now 16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? 17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV 18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like MEN'S ENGLISH: 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question 8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you 13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins 14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZIPP

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

http://www.sunbelt-software.com/stu/eye.htm

Lawyering and Insurance companies at their finest! This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century... A Charlotte,NC,lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month,having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy,the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim,the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay,citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling,the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire,and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process,the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check,the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine. This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. ONLY IN AMERICA

For all you guys. Boys_Night_Out_Application.doc

Take a look at this: I will live to be 95. http://www.deathclock.com/

hmmmmm....something I should know XP?

and who might that be???? :sex

This actually happened at La Tourneau University in July this year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey. A blonde female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red,and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied) she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return. However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:"Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted .....

DEEP THOUGHTS....... 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines and mcdonalds drive-thrus with Braille lettering. EVER WONDER: Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

...well we can't all be as smart as you Piaqt.....

Subject: Things you didn't know! THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU DIDN'T KNOW Vol.6 Did you know... It is impossible to lick your elbow. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out. A shrimp's heart is in its head. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call. Horses can't vomit. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles? In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts. Most lipstick contains fish scales. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different. Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

9. xperties makes out with jerseygirl in the back seat. That's what I'm talkin about.....

20 WAYS TO KNOW YOU'RE ON "GHETTO AIRLINES" > > 1. THE WINDOWS ARE TINTED > 2. THE PLANE IS SITTING ON GOLD RIMS > 3. THE STEWARDESS'S ARE ALL EX-HAMMER DANCERS > 4. FIRST CLASS, BUSINESS CLASS AND COACH ARE > CLASSIFIED AS: O.G., HUSTLERS, > AND PLAYA HATERS > 5. POWER WINDOWS FOR FLY BY'S > 6. PILOT COMES ON THE INTERCOM AND ASKS EVERYBODY > FOR GAS MONEY > 7. INSTEAD OF THE INTERCOM CHIMING "DING DING" PRIOR > TO ANNOUNCEMENTS, IT SAYS "BLING BLING" > 8. FLOATING DEVICES HAVE PATCHES > 9. OXYGEN MASKS ARE TURNED INTO BONGS > 10. THE PILOT IS DOING DOUGHNUTS ON THE RUNWAY > 11. THE PILOT HAS TO CHECK IN WITH HIS PAROLE > OFFICER BEFORE TAKE OFF > 12. THE PLANE NEEDS A JUMP-START > 13. THE STEWARDESS'S HAVE FUBU GEAR AS THEIR > UNIFORMS > 14. FEATURED MOVIES ARE "BOOTY CALL" AND THE > ORIGINAL "SHAFT" > 15. SERVED MINIATURE FORTY OUNCERS AND PORK SKINS > 16. THE PLANE COMES AS AN AMG VERSION > 17. YOU CAN PAY FOR YOUR TICKETS WITH FOOD STAMPS OR > WIC VOUCHERS > 1 8. THE BLACK BOX IS REALLY A CABLE SCRAMBLER > 19. THE SEATS ARE COVERED IN PLASTIC > 20. YOUR FLIGHT GOT CANCELED CAUSE THE PLANE GOT > REPOSSESSED

that is too funny!!!!! The management is absolutely right.

Piaqt..who side are you on?

Xperties, they really love you....... especially Piaqt

OK guys......I really am for real.....Chris is not making me up. How would you like me to prove that I am not Chris? :stomp Tim, I will tell Chris you said hello....I will be talking to him later tonight. Hey, what did Chris tell you about me, exactly? :hmmm: Rev: the typos are just from me typing too fast :fyou

lol...lol...lol.........now why would you say that?

not at all..... although I woulnt mind being in his truckwith him right aout now.....:devil:)

lol..........No, I am for real

ps: xperties says to make me a members plus