sedative Posted February 8, 2003 Share Posted February 8, 2003 We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK TURD is inevitable. For those who hate s***ting at work, the following is the 2003 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and s***ting at work will become a pure pleasure… ESCAPEE. Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a turd in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy... JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE). Definition: When forcing a s***, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred… COURTESY FLUSH. Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME… WALK OF SHAME. Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH... OUT OF THE CLOSET CRAPPER. Definition: A colleague who s***s at work and is **** proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom... THE s***TING FRIENDS NETWORK (SFN). Definition: A group of workers who band together to ensure emergency s***ting goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS... SAFE HAVENS. Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a s***ter of your sex entering the bathroom… TURD BURGLAR. Definition: A s***ter who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact... CAMO-COUGH. Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE... ASTAIRE. Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the s***ter can s*** in peace... WATERMELON. Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH... HAVANA OMELET. Definition: A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire... UNCLE TED. Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the dunny. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees... FLY BY. Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before s***ting. Walk in and check for other s***ters. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom… TURD TRACKS: Definition: the "footprints" the turd leaves in the bowl after the toilet has been flushed. Unfortunately, a second flush is usually ineffective in removing this incriminating evidence. Prevention is the best defense against this bathroom faux pas. The s***ter should, prior to mounting the throne, lay down a few layers of toilet paper on the top of the bowl water. This simple preventative measure usually proves effective in covering your tracks. It also cushions the blow of the WATERMELON and stifles the power of the GEYSER... GEYSER: Definition: AKA the poor-man's bidet, the column of water that erupts from the bowl after a "deposit" has been made. This extreme annoyance usually causes an immediate pucker factor of 10, thus stopping the release of the second "torpedo" (if applicable). Geyser residue also renders workplace toilet paper useless and causes Poopers worry and strife because of the unsanitary water conditions. It can cause the s***ter’s shirt to become soaked up the back in extreme cases. Multiple layers of toilet paper are a necessity for the wiping procedure. Geyser eruption almost always follows a WATERMELON... THE LEVITATOR: Definition: the s***ter who refuses to come into contact with the toilet seat, instead, choosing to hover directly over the seat while dropping the kids off at the pool. This s***ter can easily be identified by their oversized calf and quad muscles in their legs. Unfortunately, one of the detrimental side effects of Levitating is the WATERMELON… FOOT FLUSHER: Definition: the s***ter who refuses to touch the flush handle. This person is usually also a LEVITATOR. Often times the Foot Flush requires the ability to raise the leg and foot well outside of the everyday range of motion, thus requiring extreme balance and flexibility. This should not be tried by the amateur workplace Pooper. Karate black belts and Yoga followers usually excel in this maneuver… TOILET DEW: Definition: the little droplets of liquid on the toilet seat. The source of these is usually unknown, thus forcing the would be s***ter to become a temporary LEVITATOR. Note: May also be of a yellow colour and should not be confused for Mountain Dew... SHOE SCAN: Definition: done by the would be s***ter immediately upon entering the bathroom. The scan is an attempt to determine the identity of stall occupants as friend or foe. Helps avoid contact with the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER who likes to initiate unwanted bathroom conversation with "Hey, that you over there, Jim?" GRAND CANYON GAS: Definition: a fart that echoes and resonates across the entire bathroom. Fortunately, the Grand Canyon effect usually only occurs in larger bathrooms. This is good because they are usually occupied by more than two people and due to the acoustic characteristics of the room, the exact origin of the fart is difficult to determine. Thus blame is not easily assigned to the perpetrator... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robertson Posted February 8, 2003 Share Posted February 8, 2003 ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL What a read that was....Good post Sed mate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piaqt Posted February 8, 2003 Share Posted February 8, 2003 bathroom reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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