SqueakyByte Posted June 21, 2003 Posted June 21, 2003 For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives: At a recent computer expo(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon". In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The Old Man and the C: promptThere was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top 10 things to do while waiting for Windows 95Another fine item from the minds of Intel engineers with a tad too much time on their hands: Top 10 things to do while waiting for Windows 95 Try to fix all the other Windows stuff that ain't working. Buy stock in the company that'll be making all those ('96) stickers. Tease Microsoft for not having a great code name like OS/2 does. Move to Seattle to save money on support calls and hear Frasier every morning to boot. Think up some more "they'll have a version for it soon" excuses. E-mail technet@microsoft.com every day asking "Is it done yet?" Lobby to get name changed to "BOB - Profesional Edition." Corner local Prozac and Mountain Dew markets, ransom to Microsoft development staff. Consider renaming all in-house applications to something 95 to avoid deadlines. Quit job, become sanitation engineer with decent pay and can-eat benefits. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Windows 98, Brooklin EditionIt has come to our attention that a few copies of the Brooklyn version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside New York. If you have one of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Brooklyn edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDAS 98 with a background picture of the East River with a floating body. It is shipped with a 'NYPD BLUE' screensaver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled 'Garbitch' My Computer is called 'My Freakin Computer,' Dialup Networking is called 'Good Fellas', Control Panel is known as the 'da Tote Board,' Hard Drive is referred to as 'da trunk', and ... Floppies are them 'little Freakin plastic disc tings'. Instead of an error message you get a winda covered with steel bars and Grafitti. OTHER FEATURES: WINDOWS 98 WINDAS 98 OK do it I tell ya Cancel hell no Reset dis is ya last chance Yes a kay No na Find turn dis place ova Insert stick it in dere Delete rub it out Help can I get some help here Stop ya betta quit it Start let's get a move on Settings da Fix Programs stuff Documents stuff dat I already done Also note that windas 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to windas 98: WINDAS 98 WINDOWS 98 Secritary A word processor Pitcha maker a Graphics program Numbers calculator Scratch paper notepad Boom-box CD player Da Web Microsoft Explorer pitchas A graphics viewer IRS M/S accounting software IRS2 M/S accounting software with hidden files Bookie Race track records tax records - usually an empty file graffiti screen saver Red Light District Internet connection Vinni's Discount computer repairs We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Brooklyn edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. -Brooklyn Edition joke was in Excel format, last couple paragraphs were comparing Windows to Windas -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------MINE browser (Microsoft Internet Netscape Explorer)Citing the event as a new era of peace and co-operation, Bill Gates today announced Microsoft's purchase of Netscape. Said Gates: "Hopefully now the world knows we're serious about the Web." Microsoft's first move will be to combine the two browsers, with the MINE (Microsoft Internet Netscape Explorer) browser due this year. "When we release this version," said Gates, "all Web access will be MINE." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------3 engineers in a carThere are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?" w00t
amdphr3@kXP Posted June 21, 2003 Posted June 21, 2003 hehe got nuthin else better to do at the moment
amdphr3@kXP Posted June 21, 2003 Posted June 21, 2003 In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.LMFAO
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