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How To Make Women Happy


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In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects--

Sorry, that's the way the game is played. You've probably been playing and losing at this game for some time, without any understanding why. Now that you have the scorecard, you may fare better.

You stay by her side the entire party 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat

with a college drinking buddy -2

Named Tiffany -4

Tiffany is a dancer -6

Tiffany has implants -8

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly +1

When mingling, you introduce her as "the old ball and chain"

and pat her on the rump -5

When she points out a hot-looking woman and asks if you think

she's pretty, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as pretty as you" +1

When she points to a woman and asks if you think she's pretty, you say,

"Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed" -6

That woman is her sister -90

You have one drink, and that's it 0

You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle. -2

You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted. -18

Saturday Afternoon

You go to the mall together +3

You go to the mall, drop her off in front, then park the car +4

Then drive to a sports bar -2

You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it +3

You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional 0

You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk +3

Most of it chips and beer -6

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den +15

Or refinishing the floors +19

Or rewiring the basement +21

Or adding a second floor +25

Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket -6

You visit her parents +1

You visit her parents and actually make conversation +3

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television -3

And the television is off -6

You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear -6

And you didn't even go to college -15

You forgot to pick her up at the airport -25

Which is in Newark, New Jersey -35

And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast -50

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal -5

And the pal is happily married -4

Or frighteningly single -7

And he drives a Trans Am -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) -15

You have a few beers -5

And miss curfew by an hour -10

You get home at 3 am -20

Smelling of booze and cheap cigars -30

And not wearing any pants -40

Is that a tattoo??? -200

A Night Out

You take her to a movie +2

You take her to a movie she likes +4

To a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand) +6

To a movie you like -2

It's called DeathCop 3 -7

Which features cyborgs having sex -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and dogs -15

When asked how she looks, you reply, "fine" or "nice" 0

You reply, "beautiful" or "gorgeous" +5

You reply anything without being asked +10

You notice something she did special, (hair, nails, eyelashes). +15

You mention you like her new hairdo +15

She says she had that done last week -10


You buy her flowers only when it's expected 0

You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it +5

You can actually name a few of them +8

You can name all of them, because you hand selected them +10

You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself +10

And she contracts Lyme disease -25

Your Physique

You develop a potbelly 0

You develop a noticeable potbelly -10

You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. +10

You resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -5


You lose the directions on a trip -4

You lose the directions and end up getting lost -10

You refuse to ask for directions 0

You end up getting lost in a bad part of town. -15

You meet the locals up close and personal -25

She finds out you lied about having a black belt -60

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?" -5

(Sensitive things always start with a deficit)

You hesitate in responding -10

You pretend you didn't hear -12

You reply, "Where?" -25

You reply, "Compared to what?" -30

You reply, "But I like you that way" -35

You reply, "Not for your age" -40


When she wants to talk about a problem: -5

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression 0

She realized the TV is on behind her -10

You listen, for over 30 minutes +5

More than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV. +10

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep -10

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