A day in the life of a computer engineer

[Batchfiles]

I thought you guys might like to read this little offering I wrote about three or four years ago for another forum. You will need to bear this time difference in mind when reading about the PC upgrade.

A day in the life of a computer engineer

Dad!

Yes!

DAD!

YES!

My loo is blocked again!

I replaced my cup of tea carefully on its saucer; that first cup of the day is always the best. No matter how hard I try I can never reproduce its distinct flavour and aroma until the next morning. I enjoy my first cup of the day; I look forward to it. And here it was, hardly sipped, sat forlornly on its saucer about to go cold.

I sighed! rose slowly from my chair and made my way towards the stairs. I didn’t look back, there was no point; that cup of tea and I were not going to appreciate each others company again until the following morning.

I knocked on daughter’s room door and entered a minefield.

“What are you looking for now?” I asked, knowing full well the answer would be some vital piece of homework completed only the night before, and now evading daughter’s ever increasing desperation to find it. Homework I knew was the horror of every schoolgirl’s life. 100 times more so if the work had actually been done on time but now could not be found.

“My French verbs” she said. “I can’t find my French verbs!”

“But I thought you were talking to your friend Victoria in French about something or other for several hours on the phone last night. The charge for which incidentally, continues to rise!”

A little dig here about daughter’s use of the house phone, rather than her own mobile, the cost of which she has to pay for out of her pocket money was well placed I thought. Daughter peered out at me from underneath the desk, her current search location and gave a long, drawn-out sigh. Dodging my little dig about the cost of her phone calls she looked at me and said, “That was Welsh dad! Welsh, not French, I know all about Welsh verbs, conjugated or otherwise, I conduct most of my working day in the medium of the Welsh language, I’m hardly likely to be discussing the topic of Welsh verbs with Vic now am I? We have more important things to talk about!” For one fateful moment the word ‘boys’ shot across my mind and I was lost for words. This eloquence on the part of daughter threw me for a few milliseconds and I knew I had lost any advantage I may have gained in this battle of wits. I changed the subject.

“Why is your loo blocked again?” I asked.

“It’s not my fault!”

“Whose fault is it then?” I questioned, turning an eye towards her rat of a dog, Shed.

“It’s… Yes, it’s my fault!”

“Hmmm”, I said, and considered elaborating upon this advantage in the wits war that had just presented itself to me, but past experience had taught me the painful lesson of not believing any male can win an argument with a woman; particularly not with a woman who can’t find what she is looking for and is late for an appointment. I turned onto a more jovial tack.

“Let’s have a look at your loo then” I said.

I cautiously made my way towards daughter’s bathroom; being careful not to tread on anything she considered important, which of course meant everything and entered a world any cosmetics retailer would be proud of.

A single push on the flush saw the water rise to within 1millimetre of the toilet rim, and then slowly, ever so slowly return to its former level.

Deftly retracing my footsteps, and treading carefully over items of clothing and school books, I made my way back across the room and arrived at her wardrobe. Don’t make a mess in there daughter said! I looked around at the bomb site littering the floor but decided, out of self preservation, not to comment upon this double edged view of tidiness.

At the bottom of the wardrobe, under several dozen pairs of shoes I found what I was looking for; a wire coat hanger. This had been consigned to the depths because it was not ‘cool’ to have your friends see something so ordinary when they were in one of those ‘Oh, that’s lovely, I wonder what it would look like on me’ moods.

Returning to the bathroom I straightened out the coat hanger and fashioned a hook at one end. A second flush of the loo to test the effectiveness or otherwise of my endeavours with the coat hanger and I inserted it into the deep recesses of the toilet bowl. Three jiggles and a couple of prods later and the gratifying sound of water rushing down the waste pipe met my ears.

Slowly and deliberately I extracted the wire from its hiding place. Nearing the end of its return journey I saw attached to the hook first an ear emerged, followed by a head, two arms and finally one and a half legs. The head had embossed upon it the smiley face of a cat.

That dog! I knew it.

A plastic bag was rescued from daughter’s waste bin and the remains of “cat” plopped into it.

Daughter was shown the offending article but considered the implantation of her precious pet’s toy down the toilet bowl of little consequence.

“She has to hide them somewhere!” Daughter said defensively. “Why?” I questioned. She gave me one of those ‘you don’t know anything about dogs do you looks’ and said, “Because she does”!

There was no reply to this. Shed the dog looked up at me from a safe position behind her mistress and turned her head slightly to one side. An expression, the likeness of which I can only describe as smirking, crossed her face. I glared back in her direction and, for one brief moment, daggers passed between us.

Daughter had, by this time found her French homework and had placed it, along with all the other paraphernalia a young lady requires at school into her bag. She picked it up with one hand and scooping up shed with the other dashed by me out of her room doorway and down the stairs like a rocket. The noise she made doing so was also comparable in volume to the sound a rocket makes on take off. On its journey past my left arm and safe under the protection of its mistresses own arm shed made a quick but purposeful attack upon my person.

On my return journey down the stairs I heard the slam of the front door and the fading treads of daughter’s and wife’s footsteps on their travels along the yard paving.

I made a large mug of coffee and strolled with it into the workshop. I sat down at my bench and wondered what else life had in store for me before the day was over.

The phone rang.

Are you the f*****g computer man?

Yes

My f*****g computers f****d!

I see, what’s wrong with it?

I just f*****g said. Its f****d!

No, I mean how is your computer f’ er, not working?

There’s no f*****g picture!

Is the little light on the computer on?

The f*****g green light is on and the f*****g red light was flashing its f*****g b******s off a minute ago, but that’s f*****g stopped now!

Is the little light on the monitor on?

The f*****g what?

The screen!

No mate, no f*****g light I can see!

Is the mon, er, screen switched on?

There was silence for a moment then…

That f*****g little b*****d. I’ll pull his f*****g b***s off when he gets home from f*****g school!

Problem solved then!

F*****g brilliant mate! The f*****g lads down the f*****g pub said you were a f*****g genius with f*****g computers! How did you figure it out so f*****g quick?

Well, I had to have a lot of training to solve the really difficult ones like this I replied.

F*****g cheers mate! I owe you a f*****g pint!

I pondered for a moment about counting the number of expletives my mystery caller had used, but decided to leave that until the next time he called. For call back he surely would!

I sipped my coffee and turned my attention to the PC on the bench. It had come in for an upgrade and my customer didn’t want to spend too much on it. The tower case was of the ATX type so I could keep that. My customer didn’t want DVD; he had one connected to the TV in his sitting room so the 32 speed CD-ROM drive could stay also. The floppy drive could stay and his son had fitted a CD writer at some point in the past but this had never worked. A new 40 gig Maxtor hard drive had also been added by my customer’s son but again had never experienced the joy of holding data.

I removed the covers and peered inside. A Gigabyte motherboard held an AMD K6 300 Meg processor. An 8 bit SoundBlaster card sat in one of the ISA slots and a SCSI card for a now defunct scanner sat dejectedly in a second. A HSF modem occupied a PCI slot and another PCI slot held a 2 Meg video card. I looked at the power supply; an ATX type with a rating of 250 watts. That would have to go. The Maxtor was on the same IDE cable as an old Western Digital 630 Meg hard disk and a Connor hard disk of unknown capacity was held to the bottom of the tower case with double sided tape and a home made bracket fashioned out of a baked beans tin. This was connected to the CD-ROM drive on the secondary channel. The writer had no cable to it. The son had obviously run out of connectors! Both the Maxtor and the WD had their jumpers set to master.

I removed all the hard drives, unplugged the cards and extracted the motherboard. The power supply came out and so did the remaining IDE lead attached to the CD-ROM drive. A few minutes with brush and vacuum cleaner had the inside looking like new again.

A new motherboard with an AMD Athlon 2.8 gig processor and 512 Meg DDR RAM was slotted into place. This new board had built-in sound, video and LAN and as I was working on a tight budget it was the perfect choice. The old video and sound cards together with the unneeded SCSI card went to that great workshop in the sky!

The Maxtor was fitted into its proper home in the case while the remaining hard disks were placed to one side ready to have their powerful magnets extracted from their insides once daughter came home from school. A new and beefier power supply was fitted, all the drive jumpers were checked and adjusted where necessary and new IDE leads fitted. The floppy drive was connected to the motherboard and the power leads connected to the drives and motherboard too. The other drive IDE leads were not connected to the motherboard just yet.

I connected a mouse, keyboard, mains lead and the bench monitor to the PC and after a final check switched on. The processor fan spun and I waited expectantly for the POST bleep. Nothing! No signal to the monitor and no nice bleep from the on board sounder. I switched off and checked everything again disconnecting the floppy drive for good measure. I switched back on to be greeted by the same blank screen and lifeless audio. Switch off again and in went a different stick of RAM. Switch on and still the same lifeless symptoms. Only board, processor and power supply left. Out come the four screws holding the power supply and in went another. No difference. Out it comes again to give me access to the processor. Off comes the fan after a major struggle, and a mental note to tell the AMD rep they ought to think about redesigning the clip on these things to make life easier for people like me who might have to take ‘em off again, and in goes another Athlon processor. Fan back on and switch on. Still dead! Board then! It wouldn’t be the first time.

I started to remove the board retaining screws and the phone rang again.

Hello, my name is Blodwyn and I’m having a problem with Microsoft Word!

I see. Is it one of my computers?

No. It’s mine!

I mean did you buy the computer from me?

No. But Mr Jones the butcher said you were the person to talk to if I had a computer problem. He said you knew everything there was to know about them and if ever I had a problem you were the one to talk to, and when I need a new one I should buy it from you.

How long have you had the one you have now I questioned?

About 4 months!

A pause, and a sigh from my end, then I asked…

What’s the problem?

Well, I wanted to know how to put a picture into a get well card I’m making for my friend Gwyneth, she’s not been well you know and after her hip operation and all the problems with getting a bed at the hospital and what with the cold weather and her son Dafydd not being able to cut the logs this year because of his back and…

Yes, you want to know how to insert a picture into Word is that it?

No.

What is the problem then?

The help doesn’t work!

The help doesn’t work!

That’s right!

How doesn’t the help work?

Well, I wanted to know how to put a picture into a get well card I’m making for my friend Gwyneth, She’s not been well you know and…

Yes I know, what about the help not working!

Oh yes, well I wanted to know how to put a picture into a get well card I’m making…

Yes, yes, I know that. What about the help not working!

I was just coming to that. Well, I wanted to know how to put a picture into a get well card…

And you didn’t know so you typed a question into the help box is that it?

Yes, that’s right.

And what happened?

Nothing!

Nothing!

Nothing!

What do you mean exactly by nothing?

I mean exactly that. Nothing happened. I typed into the box “how do I put a picture in?” and waited. I’ve waited all morning and now it’s nearly afternoon and it still hasn’t told me how to do it!

Did you press the enter key?

The enter key!

Yes.

No.

Would you like to press the enter key now!

Oh my goodness! It’s told me how to do it now. Well I never! How clever you are. Goodness me! You must be a very clever man to know all these things. Well I never, just wait till I tell Gwyneth, she’s not been well you know and after her hip operation and…

Glad I could help. Let me know when you decide you want a new computer.

I made a note never to sell Blodwyn or her friend Gwyneth for that matter a computer and returned my attention to the PC on the bench.

Forgetting where I’d left off my diagnostic investigation of this machine I turned it on. Up came the BIOS logo and the wonderful sound of a POST bleep met my ears. I sat for a moment in astonishment and then retraced my path. I had been about to change the motherboard and had removed three screws. The machine now worked! What had removing three screws done to change the PC from a lifeless heap into an all singing marvel? I replaced the screws, turned on again and the machine was dead! Switch off, remove the screws and switch on. Life once more; has to be something trapped under the board I reasoned! Switch off, take out all the screws, unplug the cables and pull out the board. On goes the bench light and its multi-angled head directed towards the innards of the case. I carefully scrutinised each of the brass pillars rising from the base. All it seemed had been inserted with a pair of extra large and ferociously jawed pliers. None had retained their original hexagonal heads and one, the cause of my problem I suspected, sprouted a twig of brass shaving about 1/8 inch long! My own trusty long nosed pliers gripped it tightly and the culprit was deposited into the waste bin.

A final check of all the remaining pillars and the underside of the motherboard and it was replaced back into the case. All its retaining screws were fitted and the power lead connected. Switch on and up she came! Success! In no time I had the hard disk partitioned and formatted and my unattended Windows installer CD was whirring away.

I finished a second large mug of coffee and set off to do my outside calls. Two printers not printing, one scanner not scanning, one Windows not Windowing, one modem not talking to the outside world and a misbehaving milking machine…but that’s another story!

[puntoMX]

... “It’s not my fault!”

“Whose fault is it then?” I questioned, turning an eye towards her rat of a dog, Shed.

“It’s… Yes, it’s my fault!”...

...She picked it up with one hand and scooping up shed with the other dashed by me out of her room doorway and down the stairs like a rocket. The noise she made doing so was also comparable in volume to the sound a rocket makes on take off. On its journey past my left arm and safe under the protection of its mistresses own arm shed made a quick but purposeful attack upon my person...

I had to laugh about that so much,

Nicely worded story, I like it a lot, reminded me of 10 to 12 years back .

Welcome to the forum by the way!

[Batchfiles]

Thank you puntoMX, I'm glad you liked it. Kids can be hard work; kids with dogs can be unbearable at times!

I should point out that 'Shed' isn't in fact the dogs real name, but being a little terrier and prone to doing terrier' like things my sister reckons it should be locked up in a shed and the name has stuck with me. Her real name is 'Zara'. (The dogs that is not my sisters).

Thank you too for the welcome. I've been a member for about 4 years now but have to hang my head in shame and confess this is my first post here. An omission I need to remedy so maybe I'll post another story or two if you like.

[puntoMX]

Waiting for more stories, so I can drink my cup of tee (or two) while reading it.

The word shed came close to "sh*t" also, so I already knew something was fishy about that word/name .

By the way, change that animated avatar please, before I have to do it .

Rules:

5. ... Flash and animated signatures and avatars are not permitted. ...

[Batchfiles]

Put the kettle on then and warm the tea pot.

Now then let me see....Should I tell you another story with dogs in it or perhaps one about a deranged motorcycle. Or maybe one about explosives or the chickens from hell!

Or one or two shorter stories first. No...I think the deranged motorcycle should be next.

Here we go then - the next post coming up.

[Batchfiles]

Sorry about the avatar. I've removed it until I can find a non-animated version.

[Galt]

Great stories, well written, and with a subtle tongue cheek humor, making them fun and easy to read. You keep the interest, and move the reader right along, waiting for the next few words to come along thus; keeping the interest. Well done!

[Batchfiles]

Thank you for those very kind words Galt. A little humour in the day goes a long way to keeping the world spinning happily I think.

Mind you, most of my little stories find humour in the most bizarre instances, as you will see as I post more of them.