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Give Us Your One Liners


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I measured my wang the other day. I had to use a meter stick. I couldn't find anything smaller to measure with.

Drive me insane? I could walk from here.

How do you fit 100 babies in a phone booth? Frickin' big phone booth.

What's the difference between a truck and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a truck in my basement.

Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Light a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I'm busy, you're an idjit, have a nice day.

I hear voices and they don't like you.

cows may come and cows may go, but the bull around here goes on forever.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

I took an IQ test. It came back 404. I was quite pleased until they told me it was an error code.

Computers make extremely fast, accurate mistakes.

If pro is the opposite of con, then what is congress?

If it ain't broke, break it, then charge for repairs.

Of all the friends I've had... you're the first.

Last night I lay in bed, looking at the stars, and I started thinking... Where the hell is my celing?

I say no to drugs but they won't listen!

The future, just as I remember it.

Which side of a dog has the most fur? The outside.

Several fishing rods confiscated... referred to as 'weapons of bass destruction'.

In Forth, you don't shoot yourself in the foot. The foot kicks you in the balls and runs off.

Some say the glass is half-full, others say half-empty. I say hurry up and bring me my **** burger.

Thank you Mario! But your mail is in another mailbox!

If a pellet gun shoots pellets, and a water gun shoots water, I want an elephant gun.

Make $$$$ FAST with NO risk! Press Shift-4 a few times, and you'll have $$$$!!!

Two muffins are in an oven cooking. One muffin looks at the other muffin and says "Is it just me or is it hot in here?" And the other muffin says: "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"

How the hell am I supposed to know why the chicken crossed the road?

My toilet backs up and my computer doesn't.

When two prostitutes get together, who pays?

Is raping a prostitute shoplifting?

Steak painted white. The other white meat.

I'm writing a book of people who p*** me off. You're on the cover.

Reach out and punch someone.

I'm the reason to be afraid of the dark.

It said Windows 95 or better so I got Linux.

What's the difference between your mom and your dad? Not much, they're both cousins!

I'm not masturbating, I'm screwing my imaginary friend.

Windows has crashed due to a driver error. Some files were ejected from the disk because they were not wearing seatbelts. Would you like to call a lawyer?

I don't have a drinking problem, I can drink just fine.

Dammitol, for when everything sucks.

I downloaded an awesome file. It was love at first byte.

My French is really improving. I listened to a French guy the other day and I could understand everything he said. Of course, he was speaking English, but he WAS French!

Uno momento, mr roboto!

Practice safe sex. Have sex with a safe.

Fun with English: When you have an apple, you eat an apple. When you have a sandwich, you eat a sandwich. When you have a baby...

LOL d00d teh force got fux0red. Its like a million zillion d00ds went "OMFG" then STFUed.

What's the difference between your mom and an elephant? 10 pounds!

If needing to know that was the sun, I would be Pluto.

No, the cat can't have Soylent Green. That's people food.


Bytes of the rand() table...

JESUS SAVES 15% or more on car insurance by switching to Geico

Energizer Bunny arrested... charged with battery. :wacko:

Lock him in a dry cell. ;)

Remember... If you don't attend your friends funeral... They won't attend yours!

**** you.

Edited by HyperHacker
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When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and b***h-slap that motherf***er upside the head.

LOL :lol::thumbup

2 teachers walk into a bar.....you think one would notice.

Slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.

I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

You're such a loner, your imaginary friend ran away from you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This actually happened to me. It was pleasant. I went to a Christmas party with a friend. An unknown lady answered the door. She invited us in, pinched my butt and said "a free Christmas goose". :)

<gropes someone> I'm just not feeling myself today.



*runs away from DL*

This only works if you have a high tollerance for pain.


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