“Be mindful. Be grateful. Be positive. Be true. Be kind.”

[sunryze]

59 minutes ago, XPerceniol said:

..If I may ask (again, no need to reply if you don't feel comfortable), when you say "I have been taught from others" who or whom are you referring to?...

I'm not sure if it was the friend group I met or what. But earlier this year I just started feeling like nothing is true, that everyone is against me. If i can describe it, its like this: I'm stuck in a hole. Every time I start climbing I fall to the bottom. Sometimes, I'm stuck to the bottom and can't climb. When I finally reach the top, i'm pushed back down it by someone, and all my work has been invalidated.

3 minutes ago, XPerceniol said:

Its because there is conflict within so the mind fights us. 

That "gut feeling" is not wrong, but be careful, as the gut feeling(s) that lead to impulsive actions are the once to cause concern.

Feels as if the conflict has overcame me and is only making me make bad decisions. As far as impulsive, I have said things to people so serious on a personal level that I can't share it here. But it is quite obvious with my previous statement.

I'm very young compared to others here but I never in my whole life have ever seen myself at that point. I've always doubted i'll make it there.

[XPerceniol]

I'm reading and here and will give this more thought. I write raw and I'm typing as it comes and the reason for typos.

I noticed my errors and typos, but, of course, you read through them.

Gut feelings *aren't* wrong and (the ones) that lead to impulsive actions are cause for concern (because) the initial "knee jerk" reaction com sometimes be an emotional one rather than rational one. Balance between, but we all have decisions we wish we could change. Please don't be fooled but others that pretend to be anything other than imperfect. We all screw up. Own it and repair today and learn from it.

But again, you got it and I get it, I think. Again don't feel as you need to disclose anything you aren't comfortable with here, its quite ok to be very vague.

I don't profess to know the answers, please understand, I've no wisdom beyond others well-meaning people out there, but, indeed, whom we decide to share our deepest thoughts/feelings with on a personal level can make us feel vulnerable. Its ok, and you will be ok. Thank you for posting as you did as you have without question are in better shape than I, as I have closed up and put of a huge firewall that will never EVER come down again with people and I trust nobody ever and never will again. Trust, yeah, we freely offer it sometimes to people that didn't earn it. Just because people have let me down 99.999% of the times doesn't mean this will result the same for you. You are young and learning, we all are. Not everyone will let you down, and when you open up to others, please expect sometimes to feel unpleasant. This will happen; always.

Will reply further later, but I'm here.

Edited July 20, 2022 by XPerceniol

[XPerceniol]

13 hours ago, sunryze said:

If i can describe it, its like this: I'm stuck in a hole. Every time I start climbing I fall to the bottom. Sometimes, I'm stuck to the bottom and can't climb. When I finally reach the top, i'm pushed back down it by someone, and all my work has been invalidated.

 

ah yes, I think I get it. We work towards our goal and fall and its all gone are are back to square one. How easy to fall into that way of thinking (trap), its soo very wrong to to think that way. Just because you fall doesn't invalidate where you are it was/is part of the process. Its (for me) more about how long you stay down and stop climbing. When I give in and lose energy or the will to climb, that leads to weeks and sometimes months or inaction and it feel insurmountable to get back up ... somehow, here I am when I could've given up, but I didn't. 

Question:

Other than your friend group, do you have others to confide in beyond (I assume) you circle of friends? If not, that is certainly fine and worry not, most people are in that exact situation and you are not alone in that respect if the case.

 

Edited July 20, 2022 by XPerceniol

[XPerceniol]

https://shrinkrap.co.za/psychotherapy/who-would-you-be-without-your-suffering

See that light ... never lose sight of it and never stop trying. Just try and try again and dust yourself off each and every time and continue. Yes, where you are you simply continue not start over from the beginning. We never stop here with our programs (speaking computers tech) and you see how when we put our minds to it, we make it work when others say its not possible. Continue climbing in spite and despite of the odds (seemingly) against us.

From this day forward, I am going to continue because I owe it to myself to do so no matter how many times I fall a run lower.

Not the same as taking breaks to recover and step back to see the picture, but when in motion, you can change course, but giving up means the light gets further and further away from your grasp.

Again, no need to reply if you no longer feel comfortable and I do wish you well and you can do it against all odds. I'm living proof.

Edited July 21, 2022 by XPerceniol

[sunryze]

27 minutes ago, XPerceniol said:

From this day forward, I am going to continue because I owe it to myself to do so no matter how many times I fall a run lower.

It's hard to have this kind of enthusiasm when nothing seems to be in favor of me survivng.

Whatever this mental coud or fog or something I am feeling just brings negative energy everywhere. The only time I don't feel this way is when I am distracted from the truth. But the truth always finds its way.

[XPerceniol]

Understand and can relate, 'when it rains, it pours' and how true those words are. Its hard to have any strength to endure, let alone any enthusiasm when life (continually) deals you a band hand. I'm far from enthusiastic, dare I say pessimistic most time as of late. Just being honest, but not to invalidate or validate, just to let you know where I'm coming from as I sit here tonight dreading tomorrow, but for different reasons, of course.

I have to deal with mental fog and that cloud so I know how it can effect our outlook and at times can feel bleak. I know this might not help, but this too shall pass, and I rely on that when I'm aware (please be aware of these times) so you can protect yourself when things seems hazy. But that is more about the aspect of what could be going on in our head, rather than situational. Give credence to strong situational influences and net underestimate the negative energy. Very strong and it pulls and consumes. Indeed, when this occurs, it can manifest in other areas, it to be expected. We are human. We cope, but how we cope is the key and I've made SERIOUS mistakes I admit that, but I can't go back.

Just posting for now and am going to try to better explain distraction used properly rather than avoidance. I'm going to try, but if for some reason I'm unable, I'll try again please be careful about believing the "truth" from other peoples perspective or what society teaches, we are bombarded by so much now, we are in a strange word, you can't even during foggy moment acknowledge that much. Give yourself a break and hold on and hang in there.

Oh not even going to attempt to correct my mistakes, just me.

Edited July 21, 2022 by XPerceniol

[sunryze]

Well, I feel better now. I think mainly is that I seek and depend on a lot of approval and appreciation; without praise, acceptance, and constantly reminded of how important I am to someone, it tears me apart.

[XPerceniol]

Good to know ... everyone understandably has times when they seek acceptance, not always easy these days and these times require we find acceptance within. I struggle with this but no longer expect to find like-minded people and try to appreciate the (very) rare accession I run into people that feel as I do regarding various topics; but for the most part, I consider myself an outsider and my dearly departed father always said there is nothing wrong with that.

However, expect that when depending/relying (solely) on others for approval is risky and people have done great things in this world without approval of others and the mainstream society deems as expected.

We are human ... appreciating and praise from others *can* give us steam and builds up (mainly) ego, rather than self-esteem. Importance bares little in the big scheme as fame is fleeting anyway. Sometimes more about timing to shine.

Will give more thought and hopefully have something to say (sorry, not right description) our validation depending on other people reminding us that we are important to *them*, that 'in turn' lets us feel important to ourselves.

I just want to say, I know that feeling or being torn apart.

I do hope you would consider posting in here even if I'm not around in here if it makes you feel better, by all means. Others might also have advice or at least know you aren't alone. You not!

Hypocrite; guilty as charged as I often forget and neglect to take my own advice, know I mean well and if I can give even a moment of hope to even a few I feel as I have purpose. See ... did you catch that? I just implied that I need to feel as if I'm helping somebody.

We are all human, putting other people on pedestal is an easy trap and celebrities need fans, but look at how that sometimes turns out for them.

I'm just managing day-by-day now. Seemingly I'm insightful, but I'm actually (mostly) "full of it" good advice that is. haha :)

[XPerceniol]

VERY hard and it took me years but finally I'm true to myself and kind to myself and I'm not my enemy. Be kind to yourself. You are fine and only change for yourself and not others and people jump through hoops to 'fit in' and its only temporary anyway and you make your own way regardless of this popularity contest we see.

[Nerdulater]

On 7/19/2022 at 1:44 AM, XPerceniol said:

 

So I've decided to give this at try and seen if it helps ... a good man here suggested I try again with a topic as I'm finding myself intruding on others threads and bringing my nonsense and disrupting peoples projects and hard work.

So ...

Monday and here I am, sitting here and I feel (truly) hopeless. Don't know what to even say. Hope without effort ... empty promises and so on and whatnot.

I'm honestly not sure the mods will even allow me a thread and It doesn't have to be about me and I need no rescue, life has taught me the only one that comes to save your is YOURSELF!

Perhaps, I know hard sometimes, please may I ask just those 5 things in this thread. Very hard to detox in this toxic world and largely I've just avoided everything and I'm not reclusive, antisocial hermit and life is not standing still. Sometimes.

sorry, have to stop and take break for a while, maybe.

All I can promise is I'll try. Want to give up but just can't. Cant.

I hate these years too. Cancel Culture all over Social media, it's hard to detox as XP said. I don't know to take this in emotion or "Think about your life" stuff. I am going to not say much as i am paranoid about myself and what i say and do. 

Edited July 22, 2022 by Nerdulater

[XPerceniol]

Understand and thank you for your input as often require others to bounce ideas off of which is something I do not have in real life. I'm removed from society and I don't even have any forum of social media other than this and the XP forum https://www.xpforums.com/find-new/posts

No other, only these 2 I post.

I STRONGLY do not recommend mental health support type forums, unless, you're:

1. VERY well protected with anonymous VPN and perhaps TOR depending on you level of paranoia (and that means DNS Query and all)

2. And if anyone were to decided to waste your time with trolls and improperly moderated (sometimes none at all) platforms, everything needs to be fake and nothing connected to YOU because they (those forums) ARE NOT safe; period! Even please use the same protection(s) regarding autism forums. At one point I was on many, but realized they are very toxic and make people worse as everyone feeds off on-another ... but, of course, that is not for me to decided and always your choice, just protect yourself and not all forums as honest as well maintained as MSFN.

Yeah, Cancel Culture ... one size fits all cookie cutter world.

I created this thread and even I at times wonder what this is?!?! .....

I supposed it is:

"Think about your life" stuff." because sometimes it help me to reflect to process what I'm experiencing. I have an appointment with my therapist today in fact so we'll see. Nobody can "fix" us because we don't need fixing, I'm fine, your fine just the way we are, its about make it work given each persons set of circumstance.

I completely respect that prefer to be more private and would never make anybody feel to share as I do. While I find it cathartic and as I said if something said/wrote make somebody else feel less alone than it was worth it for me. I do appreciate you popped in to say hello and glad your finding some projects to get interested in here - they are many others are working hard on and help is always appreciated.

Hope this posting finds you and everyone well as this week is drawing to a close and a hot weekend is awaiting some of us.

EDIT

Until I know better from the veterans here regarding being safe to discuss sensitive topics online, I'm going to hold off on it so as to not lead people astray. For now, I'd just say, use caution and good judgement when revealing personal details that you don't want made public. Again, everything that was written is very vague in this thread so worry not for even a second.

 

Edited July 22, 2022 by XPerceniol

[sunryze]

I had a dream last night that I was with a person I really like. We were having fun and it was all I ever dreamed of.

The worst thing that happened was I woke up. I was then reminded of the truth and reality of the stagnating friendship I have with them.

[XPerceniol]

Sometimes, difficult to see, but friendships *might* be just as (and where) they should be for the moment, so no cause for concern right now and things happen without force. Gawd, I HATE the word "naturally" or "normally". I'm glad I'm not "normal" (whatever that is )))

Sorry, can't find the right word atm.

Edited July 22, 2022 by XPerceniol

[msfntor]

On 7/21/2022 at 1:18 AM, XPerceniol said:

Thank you for posting as you did as you have without question are in better shape than I, as I have closed up and put of a huge firewall that will never EVER come down again with people and I trust nobody ever and never will again.

But... what you write, I hope this is not true...only for entertainment, yes?

[XPerceniol]

Thank you, and I appreciate that you care. I'm sorry to say, I never allow people to get very close to me anymore. I'm really sorry to have to admit that. I know never trusting anybody again will lead to 100% complete isolation and I've grown used to it. It brought a tear to my eye that you caught that and felt to reply and question. I feel so bad and would never advice this to others, but I've been hurt (badly) by people and when I've trusted people they have let me down (not present company, of course)

I'm so sorry that I don't know how to explain and really can't. I'm very very isolated and go weeks without personal contact. Please don't worry about me.

sorry ....

Edited July 22, 2022 by XPerceniol